Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
