nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
