I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
