I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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