he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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