im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
