I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
