my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
