you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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