Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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