am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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