I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
