Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
me + whiskey = a bad person
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
