You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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