I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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