U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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