he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Randomize
