when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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