Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
