hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
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