I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
