he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
