I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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