I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
