There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
