oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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