Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
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