I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Someone came in the potted fern
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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