she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
