Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
