I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
