Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
either way he was missing a nipple.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
