I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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