there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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