There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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