he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
