got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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