you guys were way drunker than both of me
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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