I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
