Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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