If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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