Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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