Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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