i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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