If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
