Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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