I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
