I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
