You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
