Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
